Though my email address is at the bottom of each of the articles that I have written, the only people to ever send me replies are restaurants looking to get reviewed by me, while strangely I have yet to receive someone shouting at me for my political or social opinions. The restaurant asks have come in greater number more so lately with the superbowl just past, (though every single email was sent too late to make it into the paper by the time the game aired). I was particularly surprised to receive an email from a PETA representative (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals), informing me about a vegan restaurant in Omaha who PETA recently awarded for their quality of vegan wings – one of the top ten vegan wings in the country. 

“Fifth House" (interestingly, that name appears in astrological references as a ‘place of good fortune,’ or ‘place of pleasure’ etc), is situated in the Blackstone district, and though I have frequented the area many times, I have never had any particular urge to head in. After all, I have no vegan friends, nor have I ever heard good things about vegan foods. Furthermore, I was surprised that as a Omaha restaurant reviewer, PETA (from the email I received, in their words: "I strongly encourage you to to visit Fifth House”) would urge me, who just reviewed a Japanese BBQ place, then pork, chicken, and shrimp ramen around Omaha. 

Still, I reckoned that A: every restaurant deserves as fair of a review as I can give it, and B: if they are asking me, they either believe I will give them a great review, or any press is good press. Even after arriving in Blackstone and parking, walking through the cool evening and entering the neatly modern and dark restaurant, I still had my doubts on whether I was suited to giving a fair trial to Fifth House; namely that I didn’t have any –reasonable– reference to compare their food against. After all, I have generally avoided food considered ‘vegan’ out of regular word of mouth that it isn’t good. My bias, or ‘frames of reference’ are from food which I had been raised on my whole life. 

I have come upon the conclusion that vegan food is actually closer to human ritual, rather than evolutionary need or custom. The core of veganism (which itself is an ideological lifestyle) as I understand it is that animals don't deserve to be eaten, or that animal byproducts which are meant to rear their young aren’t taken from them. It is not an ideology that I ascribe to, but it one that I can generally sympathize with. I once verily enjoyed the company of my cat, and understandably someone could grow attached to a pet cow. That doesn’t stop me from eating it, but, I understand. 

As I was led to a wooden table in Fifth House, I began to wonder who I would be writing to in my article for? Vegans? Or my general “Omaha foodie audience?” Regardless, I had time to think as I was sat by the waitress on a wooden bench and looked up at the neat, soft lighting above, and then out the glass garage door into Blackstone proper. Because Fifth House was awarded ‘Best Vegan Wings’ I thought it would only be reasonable to try their Buffalo wings, but then that I should also review something else on their menu so I could cover more about the restaurant. my choice was something I was more familiar with: a reuben sandwich with a side of french-fries. (Also, there were adorable little salt ‘n pepper shakers on the tables – this is not an important mention, but something I had scribbled down in my notes.)

When the wings were brought out and set before me, they did have an appetizing, dark-red and brown coloring, but when I leaned in to smell them in an attempt for the food to spirit me off onto a journey far away, I was met with a bit of confusion. I couldn’t quite place the scent, nor was it nostalgic of anything. The meat itself was not dry, and its texture wasn’t gross as food – perhaps It was like tofu with the texture of meat. I do need to stress that as someone who loves all food (meat included) that the buffalo wings weren’t “bad." But it didn’t give me the vibe of chicken wings, it did not look like chicken wings at all, nor did I fall into a dream caused by the food as I have in the other restaurants that I choose to write about. I do understand that the process to make the " wings” is probably more expensive than killing a chicken, but alas, they were at least twice as expensive as wings at a real-meat restaurant, which I did find to be a great shame. 

The reuben was next, and while it looked visually appetising – and I enjoyed the marbled bread and even the sauerkraut – the meat and cheese was not bad, but it was like what I imagined a future sci-fi meal in a tiny cube would be: calories packed into a small area, without any fun or particular memorable flavor.  

It was then the realization of who my audience was (for this article) came upon me: people who have vegan friends, clients, or partners. If you are a lawyer with a vegan client, or a guy courting a vegan girlfriend, then you probably couldn’t go wrong with Fifth House. Your date will be impressed that the restaurant rated in the top ten ‘Best Vegan Wings in America’ by PETA. The food wasn’t bad, (for the reuben sandwich I have the same opinion as the wings in terms of inability to draw out the poet in me) and could be stomached. Vegan’s probably have their own hierarchy of ‘vegan food’ quality, which is a scale entirely separate from ‘ours’ (people who eat cows) since their food is based on ideological ritual. 

I did take home two boxes of food out of politeness. And after giving the wings and ruben a reheat my opinion stood that Fifth House isn’t a place I would visit again for their flavorful meat, but, I would use to impress clients and vegans who follow that lifestyle. Still though, I wonder what PETA was thinking, emailing me? Did they not think I was going to give it a fair review? That I don’t actually go to the places that I write about? If they would have read any of my previous articles then they would have read that I recently wrote about ‘Koen: Japanese BBQ and Izakaya’, which is literally a building away – and the quality of flavor of meat cannot be compared. 

I suppose whether I was suited to reviewing it or not via my own biases, PETA still urged me to review Fifth House; strange choice, man – or a poorly researched one. Not a bad place, though. I’m sure it will be popular with vegans.